I was recently exposed on Facebook to an annoying article regarding
the “5 things ALL new moms need to know” about raising boys. Color me unimpressed.
I’m speculating that the article was written by aliens from
an all-female planet. Why? Because the “revelations” we’re all painfully
obvious. Boys have a lot of energy… Boys get dirty… Boys pee on everything. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but DUH!
I bet at least 2 of
them are peeing.
So without further ado, here are the 5 things all new moms REALLY
need to know about raising boys (by the
way, if you question my list making qualifications on this topic be aware that
I come from a long line of “boys only” households. My father has two sons. My brother has two sons. And, I have two sons. In fact, the only way we get females into our
houses is to trick them. We know boys)...
#1: If you pull your
son’s bed into the middle of the room, you will find a well-defined line just below mattress height all along the wall. The official term for this phenomenon is “booger-wall”. Boys will do this into their late 20s. Go ahead and check. I’ll wait here for you.
#2: All boys will pee in the shower... eventually. It may take some longer to start than others, but once they do there’s no going back. The longer you can shame your sons into refraining, the better. One guy I know
didn’t start until he was 30. Today
his shower smells like a Texico bathroom.
#3: Your son will know
at least 5-7 “funny” ways to describe vomiting by the time he’s 10. Shout at your shoes. Call Ralph on the big white telephone. Technicolor yawn. Sorry.
It’s what we do. Things really
get out of hand when the other bodily functions enter into the mix… and rest
assured, they will.
#4: Boys (usually
below the age of 8) will occasionally forget to go to the bathroom. And just so we’re clear… they still eliminate
their bladder and bowels. It’s just
that, a “bathroom” is nowhere in sight.
Don’t worry about this one too much unless they’re still doing it into
their teens (and it’s a good idea to make sure you have an extra pair of
underwear at the ready).
#5: Boys love nudity. At first it’s mostly their own, and it’s kind
of funny. As they get older they’ll
begin to seek out the nudity of others, and it's not so funny. My advice is to keep a lid on this one. Subscribe to Cinemax if you have to and always knock before entering their room.
Not so cute now… am I?
So there you have it.
Maybe it’s not Facebook friendly after all.
