Now think of the moment you heard their first "slow song". The one that totally ruined their evil, twisted image for you. You know... the one your girlfriend liked.
“You and Me” - Alice Cooper
1977 was a bad year for fans of hard shocking, rock-n-roll music. Alice Cooper released this easy listening, Anne Murray-ish “classic” on the album Lace and Whiskey (this must be the “lace” part) to a collective WTF from hardcore fans. More Alice Smith than Alice Cooper, this song was his last top 10 hit for a dozen years. But wait, it was a big hit you say. Cue 12 years of cricket sounds from die hard Alice fans.
“When you Wish Upon a Star” – Gene Simmons
Sure, KISS could be forgiven for Beth. I mean, c'mon. It was sung by the biggest pussy in the band (he's the Catman, get your mind out of the gutter). But there's no way the Demon, the God of Thunder himself, would ever make such a mistake. Except he did. In fact, he made an even bigger one just a year later.
Surely, he jazzed up the arrangement... or "adjusted" the lyrics to something more demon-esque? Nope... didn't change a thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if he took it to the Battle Rounds, he'd lose to Jiminy Cricket on this one.
"Nothing Else Matters" – Metallica
Don't think these musical atrocities only happened in the 70s. This track was released in 1992 on the “none more black” album (you know, the one that had the snake on the cover that you could see only if you tilted the album in exactly the right direction after having your pupils dilated).
Metallica was the one band that could be counted on to crush your skull with rapid fire rhythms and in your face lyrics. Right? Well, not any more fat boy. The good news was, this song gave you time to dump out between the other up-tempo, yet still disappointing, tracks on this disc.
"I Ain't No Nice Guy" – Motorhead w/ Ozzy Osborne & Slash
Perhaps the most disappointing of all. This song had all the earmarks of a heavy metal classic. Lemmy. Ozzy. Slash. What could go wrong? Apparently everything. You’ll find this “soon to be heard on an erectile dysfunction commercial” song on Motorhead’s 1992 album March or Die. The man who brought us "Ace of Spades", "Eat the Rich" and many other head banging classics was now asking us to embrace his softer side. I can't. I keep staring at the mole.
During the 20 year reign of hard rock/heavy metal (early 1970’s to early 1990s) we begrudgingly came to accept power ballads. But much like the hernia test during a high school physical, we learned to endure them much more than appreciate them. With some bands they were expected. Bon Jovi, Poison, Warrant… Journey. They just gave off THAT vibe (admit it, the first time you saw Steve Perry you thought he was the most unattractive woman you’d ever seen). With those bands, you could brace yourself for the inevitable acoustic guitar opening followed by some tripe about a lost love or whatever. It was the slow "songs" from harder edged, "scary" bands that caught us off guard. They just felt wrong. Like, oh.. I don't know...
“Beth” – KISS
“Beth” – KISS
This song was the B-side of the in-your-face “Detroit Rock City” from the Destroyer album (even the album title was dangerous). This "filler" track was considered a throw-away by the band, but ended up being their highest charting single... ever! In fact, "Beth" is the most “celebrated” single in the band’s history... if you consider winning the People’s Choice Award in 1977 for Favorite New Song a reason to celebrate (actually, it didn't even win it outright. It tied with "Disco Duck". No shit.)
Yep... they tied.
“You and Me” - Alice Cooper
1977 was a bad year for fans of hard shocking, rock-n-roll music. Alice Cooper released this easy listening, Anne Murray-ish “classic” on the album Lace and Whiskey (this must be the “lace” part) to a collective WTF from hardcore fans. More Alice Smith than Alice Cooper, this song was his last top 10 hit for a dozen years. But wait, it was a big hit you say. Cue 12 years of cricket sounds from die hard Alice fans.
This is what really killed Jim Henson
“When you Wish Upon a Star” – Gene Simmons
Sure, KISS could be forgiven for Beth. I mean, c'mon. It was sung by the biggest pussy in the band (he's the Catman, get your mind out of the gutter). But there's no way the Demon, the God of Thunder himself, would ever make such a mistake. Except he did. In fact, he made an even bigger one just a year later.
Surely, he jazzed up the arrangement... or "adjusted" the lyrics to something more demon-esque? Nope... didn't change a thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if he took it to the Battle Rounds, he'd lose to Jiminy Cricket on this one.
play at your own risk
"Nothing Else Matters" – Metallica
Don't think these musical atrocities only happened in the 70s. This track was released in 1992 on the “none more black” album (you know, the one that had the snake on the cover that you could see only if you tilted the album in exactly the right direction after having your pupils dilated).
Metallica was the one band that could be counted on to crush your skull with rapid fire rhythms and in your face lyrics. Right? Well, not any more fat boy. The good news was, this song gave you time to dump out between the other up-tempo, yet still disappointing, tracks on this disc.
It just doesn't matter... it just doesn't matter...
"I Ain't No Nice Guy" – Motorhead w/ Ozzy Osborne & Slash
Perhaps the most disappointing of all. This song had all the earmarks of a heavy metal classic. Lemmy. Ozzy. Slash. What could go wrong? Apparently everything. You’ll find this “soon to be heard on an erectile dysfunction commercial” song on Motorhead’s 1992 album March or Die. The man who brought us "Ace of Spades", "Eat the Rich" and many other head banging classics was now asking us to embrace his softer side. I can't. I keep staring at the mole.
YOU tell him it sucks man
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