Not to be confused with Deviled Ham (my favorite potted-meat
product) or the original, food-like SPAM found in the shiny, blue can… I’m a
huge fan of email spam. What???
How can that be? Honestly, it’s
all a matter of perspective. But isn’t it annoying and a drain on
resources? It can be. Can’t unsuspecting people fall victim to various
scams and viruses? You bet… but c’mon,
shouldn’t those people be punished a little for their gullibility? The Darwin in me says “yes”.
The main reason I enjoy spam is simple. Like a moth to a flame, I’m drawn to spam for
the many thought provoking questions that are raised by the “English as a
second language” copywriters who crank this stuff out. Case in point… here’s an actual email that
ended up in my junk folder earlier this year (don't worry, the text is repeated below):
Makes you think, doesn’t
it?
The headline: Big breasts, the most beautiful girls are
ready to correspondence now!
There’s so much right with this headline. First of all, it includes two of my favorite
things… big breasts and beautiful girls (or 3 things depending on your
accounting method). A headline like this
is sure to grab my attention. Now you
may want to downgrade the overall score because of the word “correspondence”. To me, that’s part of this email’s charm. It draws me in. It reminds me of a gentler time… a time
before proofreaders. Additionally, the
sentence is capped off with an exclamation point. Whoever wrote this headline meant the shit they
just said. Finally, as any good
advertising copywriter will tell you… there’s action in those words. These beautiful girls don’t have all day… we
need to make this happen NOW!
The first
paragraph: Beautiful priests, sexy women
are ready for dialogue today!
If that’s not an attention grabber, I don’t know what is. The fact that I have no idea what they mean
makes it even more intriguing. It’s like
when you laugh at a joke, but then later realize you don’t know what was funny
about it. It’s THAT good. The skeptic in me says that maybe the writer
was simply filling in a sexual mad-lib while cranking this out. The rest of me believes this person knew
exactly what they’re doing.
The second paragraph: These ladies are always talking about sex,
they are not shy or anything, do not doubt they have something to tell you and
what you as a shock.
Holy shit, dude. Way
to build the sexual tension. This
sentence stands as the “Empire Strikes Back” of this Star Wars-esque lurid
trilogy. It’s almost as if the words
they forgot to type are more important than the ones they actually did. They’re not shy or ANYTHING? What’s the shock? I wanna know.
Final paragraph: Register with us, and your companion will
send you my photos in underwear form, and most likely you will have something
more Free Registration!!!!>>
Simply put… you had me at “underwear form”. I’m begging you… take my credit card number
and banking information! You’ve earned
it.
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