C is for...

As Forest’s Momma used to say… “Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you’re gonna get”.  To prove her point, it seems like this year life has been handing out a disproportionate share of the chocolates with the whipped orange goo inside. 

We’ve filled one with dog shit… just to keep you on your toes.

The evidence…

I might as well have stayed in bed the month of January.  Come to think of it, I did.  A nasty sinus infection messed with my equilibrium keeping me horizontal most of the time.  After many trips to the doctor for CT scans, MRIs and other peeks inside my skull, it was determined that I needed sinus surgery.  Boy was that refreshing.  Actually the surgery itself was not that bad (because I was out like a light during the procedure).  It’s during the post-surgery follow up appointments where the fun began.  I won’t go into details, but I will say that if it ever comes down to it… I know I could smuggle salad tongs, my Dish Network remote, and a set of car keys through customs by simply jamming them all up my nose. 

I’m always losing those things.

Then, indoor soccer season started. 

After not exercising since the Reagan administration, it look my body a while to get used to playing again.  Who am I kidding?  My body never got used to it.  In fact, sometime during the late summer I believe my body began rejecting the notion of exercise (like a patient rejecting a body full of really old, “new” organs).  But here’s my question… how is it possible to pull and strain every muscle in my legs… when there were apparently so few muscles in my legs to begin with? 

Hey… let’s throw in kidney stones.

As I mentioned in a recent blog, I also had the pleasure of dealing with kidney stones not long ago.  For more of that adventure, read here.  Needless to say, they weren’t very fun but what the heck, I’d already met my deductible for the year… why not throw in another surgery.  Nothing else could go wrong, right?    

Dramatic pause…

Again… it’s the post-surgery visits where they get you.  During a post kidney stone visit, my doctor informed me that they had found something “unexpected” in my urine sample.  If you ask me, he shouldn’t really have been looking at my pee that closely (I mean, come on.  That’s weird… right?).  But because that’s his thing, and he needs to make a living, he did.  To add insult to injury, he then recommended I undergo a procedure called a cystoscopy.  I encourage any of you who don’t know what a cystoscopy is to look it up.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.  For those of you who have experienced this little slice of heaven… the next time we meet, the beer’s on me.

So anyway… I’m happy to report that everything is fine (except I can never look my urologist in the eye again).  The problem is, there are still 6 weeks left before the end of the year.  What else could go wrong?

Run Forest… RUN!

Mmmm... Spam.

Not to be confused with Deviled Ham (my favorite potted-meat product) or the original, food-like SPAM found in the shiny, blue can… I’m a huge fan of email spam.  What???  How can that be?  Honestly, it’s all a matter of perspective.  But isn’t it annoying and a drain on resources? It can be.  Can’t unsuspecting people fall victim to various scams and viruses?  You bet… but c’mon, shouldn’t those people be punished a little for their gullibility?  The Darwin in me says “yes”.

The main reason I enjoy spam is simple.  Like a moth to a flame, I’m drawn to spam for the many thought provoking questions that are raised by the “English as a second language” copywriters who crank this stuff out.  Case in point… here’s an actual email that ended up in my junk folder earlier this year (don't worry, the text is repeated below):

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

The headline:  Big breasts, the most beautiful girls are ready to correspondence now!

There’s so much right with this headline.  First of all, it includes two of my favorite things… big breasts and beautiful girls (or 3 things depending on your accounting method).  A headline like this is sure to grab my attention.  Now you may want to downgrade the overall score because of the word “correspondence”.  To me, that’s part of this email’s charm.  It draws me in.  It reminds me of a gentler time… a time before proofreaders.   Additionally, the sentence is capped off with an exclamation point.  Whoever wrote this headline meant the shit they just said.  Finally, as any good advertising copywriter will tell you… there’s action in those words.  These beautiful girls don’t have all day… we need to make this happen NOW!

The first paragraph:  Beautiful priests, sexy women are ready for dialogue today!

If that’s not an attention grabber, I don’t know what is.  The fact that I have no idea what they mean makes it even more intriguing.  It’s like when you laugh at a joke, but then later realize you don’t know what was funny about it.  It’s THAT good.  The skeptic in me says that maybe the writer was simply filling in a sexual mad-lib while cranking this out.  The rest of me believes this person knew exactly what they’re doing.

The second paragraph:  These ladies are always talking about sex, they are not shy or anything, do not doubt they have something to tell you and what you as a shock.

Holy shit, dude.  Way to build the sexual tension.  This sentence stands as the “Empire Strikes Back” of this Star Wars-esque lurid trilogy.  It’s almost as if the words they forgot to type are more important than the ones they actually did.  They’re not shy or ANYTHING?  What’s the shock?  I wanna know.

Final paragraph:  Register with us, and your companion will send you my photos in underwear form, and most likely you will have something more Free Registration!!!!>>

Simply put… you had me at “underwear form”.  I’m begging you… take my credit card number and banking information!  You’ve earned it.

So see… spam isn’t all that bad.  And sometimes, as in this case, it’s all good.

Everybody must get STONED

About a month ago I learned the "stones" were getting back together.  No... not Keith and Mick.  Heck, not even Fred and Wilma.  I'm talking renal calculus baby, or everyone's favorite bodily concretion... kidney stones.  Now your first reaction may be to wince.  I don't blame you.  My butt puckered at first, too.  It seemed that everyone I shared my diagnosis with had either had kidney stones (and it was the worst pain imaginable) or they knew someone who had suffered through them (and it was the worst pain imaginable).  I prepared as best I could.  I turned to the internet.

I found several online resources to guide my journey.  My favorite were the firsthand accounts.  Most of which were written by the semi-literate crowd you're most likely to encounter while skimming Amazon.com's well thought out product reviews (or anything ever written by Ann Coulter).  You know... people with absolutely nothing to say and absolutely no skill in saying it.   Ah the internet... the great equalizer. 

..."the Fleshlight I purchased from you is substandard in every conceivable way..."

In that spirit, I've decided to contribute my firsthand account... the highlights of my kidney stone adventure.  So take THAT interwebs (and remember, no one is making you read this)...

I opted for a procedure called LITHOTRIPSY.  Litho comes from the Greek word "litho" meaning "stone" and the mobster term "tripsy" meaning  "to smash the shit out of".  For my surgery, I was knocked out with a general anesthetic.  For the next 90 minutes, a small sound wave was shot into my kidney in an effort to bust up the stones.  As far as I know, all the doctor did was invite ex-girlfriends into the operating room to kidney punch me for an hour, leaving 30 minutes for them to laugh at the size of my penis.  Either way, the results were the same... I soon started to pass small fragments of stones through an unwelcome combination of pain and humiliation.

After the surgery, I was given pain medication.  This made me as sick as a dog... so it was immediately stopped.  We're going to ride this one out baby.

I was also given medication to "help things along".  In a rare instance of medical and marketing synergy, this medicine was called FLOMAX.  The thinking being... now that these little buggers are smashed up, let's get them to flow out of the body as quickly and easily as possible.  It only took 4 days to realize that this medicine was the cause of the 3 and a half day migraine I had been suffering.  Good thing I had pain meds to get me through... oh wait.  Crap!

There's no easy way to say this next one.  But basically, I didn't poop for 120 hours.  There is a silver lining though.  Now that I've started, I don't seem able to stop. 

Over the next month, I'm supposed to strain my urine.  In preparation, I asked my wife if she had a colander she wasn't fond of.  Apparently, she's fond of them all (good news though... Friday is still pasta night at our house).  Over the first few days I've collected many small stones.  The doctors have cute names for them like "gravel" and "sand".  Once I've gathered them all, I'm thinking of commemorating this event with a small zen garden.

anybody got a rake?

Well... that's about it.  Sorry it's taken me a while to update the blog.  Rock on.

Wet Paint

Welcome to the third and final entry in my "here's how, not why I make toys" series of blogs.  The past two posts regarding body building and sewing continue to be popular (I know, I don't get it either).  So to wrap things up, I'd like to discuss my favorite part of the process... painting heads.

Why is painting heads my favorite part?  Because contrary to popular belief, you don't need to have a lot of skill to pull this off.  Any monkey can do it well as long as they have the right tools, possess a relatively steady hand, and follow these simple steps...

1.  Buy painting stuff

your colors may vary

Typically I paint cast resin parts.  Because of that, the paint of choice is acrylic.  My favorite brand is Delta Ceramcoat.  I find it has the best consistency for this scale (not too runny and not too thick).  I bought mine at Michaels Craft back in the day.  I assume they still sell it there.  The last time I was in the store they had moved everything around and two blue-haired old ladies were standing between me and what I thought was the right stuff (so I'm not 100%).   

You'll also need brushes.  I always try to have a few "spotter" brushes handy.  They have very few bristles and come to a sharp point (my favorite size is 10/0).  You'll need these for the fine, detail work.  They stay sharp for about 2-3 heads and then they begin to dull.  Keep them around because oftentimes you'll need a brush that's a little less sharp.  You'll also need some larger brushes (the bristles on the head of the brush should be no more than 1/4" wide).  These will come in handy when you need to cover larger areas. 

And because of my slowly deteriorating eyesight (from painting these damn, tiny heads), I use a lighted magnifier to make everything a little easier.

2.  Flesh coat baby

don't drink the water

(NOTE:  I don't prime my heads.  If they were cast properly, you shouldn't have to either.  I tried it a few times and the primer diminished the detail of the sculpt).  I know earlier I said that I like the consistency of the Delta Ceramcoat.  That's true, but with one exception... putting down the flesh coat.  In order to get the smoothest flesh base I can, I thin out the paint with a couple drops of water.  I then slop on 3-4 coats with my bigger brush.  In the series of pictures below, I started with the base resin head.  The next picture is after one thin coat of paint (looks like ass, doesn't it).  The third picture is after 4 thin coats.  By this point you should have smooth, brushstroke-free, coverage. 

of course, if you can cast in a flesh color... you'll skip this part

3.  It's in the eyes

It's critical to get the eyes right.  If you nail this part, the whole head comes to life.  The first thing I like to do is paint in a thin, black line along the top lid of each eye (here's where the 10/0 brush comes in handy).  After that's done, I immediately paint in the whites of the eyes.  It's also useful to keep some flesh paint handy.  If you happen to go full Michael J. Fox at this point, you can touch up and no one will ever know.

hey, that's kind of cool

Next up, the iris.  I typically use an older 10/0 brush to paint it in.  If you're lucky, you can land a big round drop of color perfectly in the middle of each eye like so...    

I'm lucky about 4% of the time

Next, I add the pupils.  It's the same drill as the iris, but the dot is a little smaller.  This step can either take 5 seconds or 2 hours.  Lining the dots up in the same plain is easier said than done.  But don't worry if you make a mistake.  You can always paint back over with your iris color and start again.  (I remember showing the first head I had painted that I was really proud of to my Mom.  She took one look and said... "oh, he's cross-eyed".  Nice).

Oh look... he's NOT cross-eyed!

The last step is to add the "glinty" white speck.  Just like the pupil was smaller than the iris, the spec on the pupil is tinier still.  This is where you'll need the sharpest brush you have.  This step is a pain in the rear, but it really adds depth and life to your figure.  I usually get one spec perfect on the first try and then try and fail on the second eye for a while.  It's best not to ask me "how's it going" when this happens.

the eyes have it

4. Glorious hair

After the eyes are done, I'm really on the downhill slope.  I grab a small brush and add eyebrows and paint in the hairline.  This allows me to cut in the hairline with precision without ruining my face paint.   After I've painted in the hairline around the head, I grab my larger brush and fill in the rest.

almost done

5.  Sealed with a... noxious chemical

There are few things more frustrating in this hobby than finishing a beautiful paint job and then accidentally scratching the head.  The best way to protect yourself is to use a sealer.  My preferred brand is Testors Spray Lacquer (dull coat).  All of the other dull coats I've tried (spray and brush on) leave the head looking shiny.  This stuff gives me exactly the finish I'm looking for.  And remember, it's still possible to scuff your head after you've sealed it... so be careful.

use in a well ventilated area

Step 6.  Quit... you're done

At this point, your head should be done and look something like this (or completely different if you're painting a different head).  

quit staring at me

Thanks again for humoring me.  We'll talk soon.

Soda Jerk

They say opposites attract.  “They” tend to say a lot of dumb crap, so I usually ignore “they”.  However, in the case of me and my wife… there may be a grain of truth in what "they" say.  The thing is, we’re definitely not complete opposites.  We agree on most major things (where we want to live, how to raise our children, that Superman would totally kick Batman’s ass in a fight, etc.). 

Advantage Kal El

The majority of our “opposite-ness” centers around one topic.  We don’t always see eye-to-eye on the proper disposal of our disposable income.  Until the last few years, this wasn’t a big deal.  The reason being… there was no disposable income.  The problem took care of itself.  But through hard work and diligence, we’ve recently been able to inch ever so slightly into the black.  And of course when I say “hard work and diligence”, I mean her hard work and diligence.  And by “in the black” I mean not drowning in debt. 

For the first few years of our marriage, I handled the family finances.  I was relieved of those duties during the Great Bossart Financial Coup of 1997 (you may have read about it).  It was a bloodless takeover… really more of a change in management styles.  Regardless… since then she has worked hard to right our financial ship, and I have worked equally hard to tip it over.

Put down the checkbook

Here’s the thing.  My wife is practical.  Point:  The first present my wife (then girlfriend) ever bought me was coasters (you know the $15 items you put under cold drinks to keep them from leaving rings on your $10 coffee table).  That was for Christmas.  A week later on my birthday, she got me salt and pepper shakers (the plastic ones I had been using since college were admittedly too “ghetto”).   Counterpoint:  The first present I remember buying her was a VCR that I really wanted.  That thing was sweet!  As I said… we simply have different styles.

This brings us to a month ago.  Point:  There was a little extra money left over.  After doing significant research and obtaining several competitive bids, my wife decided we needed new gutters on the house.  I wasn’t even aware that we had gutters on our house, but apparently we did… and they needed to be replaced.  Once the decision was made, the operation went smoothly as the old gutters came down and the new gutters went up in less than a day (at a fair and competitive price).  Counterpoint:  Around that same time I bought a 1972 Dr Pepper vending machine off of Craigslist.  And... after owning it for several weeks, not only does it still NOT work… it’s in about 1,000 pieces in our garage waiting for the vending machine fairies to sprinkle it with magic dust and bring it back to life.

You big dummy

Who’s to say who’s right and who’s wrong?  The point I’m trying to make is… she made a really bad decision choosing her life partner… and I forgive her for that.  

Sad Songs

Quick... transport yourself back to the 1970s.  Now, name the "scariest" musical acts you can think of.  And when I say "scary" I mean bands that immediately impressed you with how badass they were... performers you listened to but would be scared shitless to meet in a dark alley.  Think of their music from the period.  It was dark.  It was loud.  It was... scary.

Now think of the moment you heard their first "slow song".  The one that totally ruined their evil, twisted image for you.  You know... the one your girlfriend liked. 

During the 20 year reign of hard rock/heavy metal (early 1970’s to early 1990s) we begrudgingly came to accept power ballads.  But much like the hernia test during a high school physical, we learned to endure them much more than appreciate them.  With some bands they were expected.  Bon Jovi, Poison, Warrant… Journey.  They just gave off THAT vibe (admit it, the first time you saw Steve Perry you thought he was the most unattractive woman you’d ever seen).   With those bands, you could brace yourself for the inevitable acoustic guitar opening followed by some tripe about a lost love or whatever.   It was the slow "songs" from harder edged, "scary" bands that caught us off guard.  They just felt wrong.  Like, oh.. I don't know...

“Beth” – KISS

This song was the B-side of the in-your-face “Detroit Rock City” from the Destroyer album (even the album title was dangerous).  This "filler" track was considered a throw-away by the band, but ended up being their highest charting single... ever!  In fact, "Beth" is the most “celebrated” single in the band’s history... if you consider winning the People’s Choice Award in 1977 for Favorite New Song a reason to celebrate (actually, it didn't even win it outright. It tied with "Disco Duck".  No shit.) 

Yep... they tied.

“You and Me” - Alice Cooper 
1977 was a bad year for fans of hard shocking, rock-n-roll music.  Alice Cooper released this easy listening, Anne Murray-ish “classic” on the album Lace and Whiskey (this must be the “lace” part) to a collective WTF from hardcore fans.   More Alice Smith than Alice Cooper, this song was his last top 10 hit for a dozen years.   But wait, it was a big hit you say.  Cue 12 years of cricket sounds from die hard Alice fans. 

This is what really killed Jim Henson

“When you Wish Upon a Star” – Gene Simmons
Sure, KISS could be forgiven for Beth.  I mean, c'mon.   It was sung by the biggest pussy in the band (he's the Catman, get your mind out of the gutter).   But there's no way the Demon, the God of Thunder himself, would ever make such a mistake.   Except he did. In fact, he made an even bigger one just a year later.

Surely, he jazzed up the arrangement... or "adjusted" the lyrics to something more demon-esque?   Nope... didn't change a thing.   In fact, I'm pretty sure that if he took it to the Battle Rounds, he'd lose to Jiminy Cricket on this one.

play at your own risk

"Nothing Else Matters" – Metallica
Don't think these musical atrocities only happened in the 70s.  This track was released in 1992 on the “none more black” album (you know, the one that had the snake on the cover that you could see only if you tilted the album in exactly the right direction after having your pupils dilated).

Metallica was the one band that could be counted on to crush your skull with rapid fire rhythms and in your face lyrics.  Right?  Well, not any more fat boy.   The good news was, this song gave you time to dump out between the other up-tempo, yet still disappointing, tracks on this disc. 

It just doesn't matter... it just doesn't matter...

"I Ain't No Nice Guy" – Motorhead w/ Ozzy Osborne & Slash
Perhaps the most disappointing of all.   This song had all the earmarks of a heavy metal classic.  Lemmy.   Ozzy.  Slash.  What could go wrong?  Apparently everything.  You’ll find this “soon to be heard on an erectile dysfunction commercial” song on Motorhead’s 1992 album March or Die.  The man who brought us "Ace of Spades", "Eat the Rich" and many other head banging classics was now asking us to embrace his softer side.   I can't.   I keep staring at the mole. 

YOU tell him it sucks man

In Stitches

In my last blog, I took you step-by-step through the assembly process for my action figure body.  To everyone's surprise (especially my own), it was my best read blog entry in months.  Therefore, to punish you further... I've decided to write a new entry on sewing (I know, I promised painting too.  That will be my next one... I really mean it this time).

In this entry I'll focus on the sewing of a body suit, because c'mon... that's what most superheroes wear.  It's also one of the easiest projects to tackle.  Why, you ask?  Because the worst thing about lycra spandex (it stretches all over the place) is also the best thing.  It's very forgiving.  Just when you think you've sewn something too small or not perfectly straight... viola, you stretch the crap out of it and it magically fits.  Problem solved.

So without further ado, let's begin...

Step One:  Have a cool wife

For many, many years I sewed everything by hand.  After a while, I became fairly adept at achieving the results I wanted.  The down side was... it took for-freaking-ever to finish anything.  Then two years ago, my wife bought me a Singer sewing machine.  Don't get me wrong... I make lots of mistakes with it.  However, when I really get rolling I can bang out tiny pairs of pants with the best of them (that sounded much better in my head).

Sewing supplies... check!

To get started, I gather my "stuff".  That includes sewing machine, fabric, cutting surface, rotary cutters and patterns (there are scissors in there too, but they must be covered up).

Step 2:  The shirt

I prefer to make most of my bodysuits in two parts... shirt and pants.  This allows me to hide the seam under a belt (another superhero must have).  It also keeps me from having to sew snaps in the back (which IMHO doesn't look good in this scale).

Trust me.  This pattern will work.

First I lay my expertly crafted paper pattern on top of my fabric.  Yep... you guessed it.  Then I cut the fabric with my rotary tool.  If I haven't accidently sliced off a chunk of finger AND I've stuck relatively close to the pattern, this is what I get...

 Notice the tiny slit cut in the center.  That's the head hole.

From here I fold the fabric in half and the rough shape of a shirt appears.

or a funky "T" shape... whichever you prefer

And here's where things get fun, or terribly frustrating if your sewing machine is acting like a punk that day.  The folded fabric feeds through the sewing machine...

Look Ma... I'm sewing.

In one continuous stitch on each side, I sew from the wrist to the armpit to the bottom of the shirt.  (mental note:  this particular character is going to have gauntlets that cover the ends of the arms as well as a belt that covers the bottom seam of the shirt.  Since they won't ever be seen, I don't bother hemming those areas).  Once I'm done, my shirt looks like this...

Again, it doesn't have to be perfect.  This stuff stretches like crazy.

Guess what?  The shirt is done.  All you need to do is flip it right side out (it was inside out before) and you'll end up with something that looks unfortunately like this...

Hook 'em Horns!

Don't worry.  The shirt is fine.  The fabric will often roll in on itself when you first flip it right side out.

Now all you have to do is put it on your figure.  That's sometimes easier said than done since I like my body suits to be very tight.  The good news is that the elastic I use to string my bodies together is very forgiving.  Oftentimes the arms will need to be pulled out of their sockets to get the shirt to slide on.  But once it does, oh baby...

Is  "front" and "back" really necessary?

Step 3:  The pants

When sewn poorly, the pants can really bring down the overall quality of your custom (it's 11:51pm and a good "pants down" joke eludes me).  That's why, to be honest... I cheat.  You heard me, I cheat during this step.  Here's how...

more pattern and fabric fun.

First, I cut the lower part of the leg fabric really wide (where the foot will be - shown as the line drawn on the fabric in the picture above).  You'll see why in a bit.  That's not really a big cheat.  But this next part is...

Hey, hold on a minute!

Second, I buy a pair of premade shorts/underwear from one of the fine producers of such things.  Then, for fun, I rip the seams out around the leg holes and partially up the back.  Why take this route instead of sewing my own?  A) Sewing elastic bands into shorts this small is a huge pain.  B) These things are dirt cheap.

So, once I remove the seam from an existing pair of shorts and then cut my own leg fabric (remember, super wide at the bottom), I get something like this...

I ain't ever seen no elephant fly?

Notice here that the upper parts of the grey fabric are cut to match the interior circumference of the leg holes.  As I mentioned earlier, I keep the bottoms wide.  The reason being is that sewing the legs into the shorts is a major pain (you're sewing on a very small curve).  Since both fabrics stretch, it's often hard to sew them together perfectly straight.  After many attempts of trying to get this right I realized that if I left extra fabric on the legs, I could cut the leggings to the correct size after the pieces were sewn together and not have to worry about lining things up perfectly the first time.

Hey... it worked.

Step 4:  Pajama time

Once these steps are completed, you've got yourself a two piece body suit, like so...

Head shown for illustrative purposes only.

Sure, for now it looks like a sleep over at the Batcave.  But trust me, soon enough this figure will really start to come together and the foundations of this suit are the key.  Best of all, the seams are hidden (front and back).  And... because I now have one of those new fangled sewing machines, this entire process took all of 30 minutes. 

Well, that's it for Body Suits 101.  I hope you've enjoyed reading this twice as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Next up... painting.  Good night and peace out.

Body Building

I'm often asked two questions when I tell people I make custom action figures.  The first is... "how old are you"?  I'm 43 (and a half).  The second question is... "how do you do it"?

First of all, there are many ways to "customize" an action figure.  When I was 7, my skills maxed out at swapping heads and/or clothes from one figure to another.  To be honest... there's still a lot of that going on.  However, the fun(nest) stuff I do now involves making major modifications to existing bodies (or body parts), or sometimes making my own bits and pieces from scratch. 

Although the sculpting/molding/casting portions of the hobby are fascinating, I'm going to jump ahead and concentrate on body assembly in this post.  But don't worry... the next time I fire up the pressure pot to cast a foot or torso or head, I'll bore you with those details, too.

Step one:  Gather your parts

 There are 16 separate parts (excluding head and hands) for my custom bodies  

You counted right.  The upper bicep is two parts.

Getting to this point takes many, many hours.  Each of the resin cast parts above sprang from a separate mold.  And they don't just grow on trees, ya know.  And even with the best molds, there is a lot of cleanup that has to happen before you can begin building bodies.  Long story short... it took a crap load of work to get to the picture above.

Step two:  Dremel and drill.

 Yep... He's solid.

Speaking of prep work... all of the pieces I cast are solid.  And for most of the parts, that's a good thing.  However, the torso and pelvis need to be hollowed out to allow me to string elastic through the body (stay tuned, I'll show you that later).  So, at this point I grab my handy drill and even handier dremel and hollow these puppies out.

 Ignore the elastic.  We haven't gotten to that part yet.

Step 3:  Dry fit the head

Once the torso's hollow, it's time to test fit the head.  This is a trial and error process that requires a light touch with the dremel.  You'll want to be careful here, because if you make the hole too big, you'll never get the head to attach properly (there's a joke in there somewhere).  Take your time.  Also, please note that these steps only work with a ball joint type neck plug.  Other heads attach differently.  That information will cost you extra.  ;-)

YAY... got it right!

Step 4:  Strings and pins

Here's where things start to come together and a place where a video camera would have come in handy.  Instead, with the help of Industrial Light and Magic, I've created this awesome graphic to illustrate my technique.

(give me a break, it's late)

The blue above indicates where pins are inserted to connect various pieces.  Most of the pins are simply that... small, straight, plastic rods.  I have a stash of these and when I run out... I'm screwed.  They allow for hinge joints to form at the elbows, shoulders, knees and feet.  The hip pins have small hooks on them... which is a good thing, because the red line represents the elastic that holds it all together.  I typically pin all the parts together first and then run the elastic.  This can be a little tricky.  Get the elastic too loose and you have a floppy rag doll.  Get the elastic too tight and your figure will have difficulty standing (and often gets the "I have to pee" stance where the legs want to pull toward each other too much).  It takes a little trial and error, but once you string 30-40 of these together... you get a good feel for it (sarcasm alert). 

Step 5a:  Prepare the head

Now that the body is put together and the head fits into the torso, it's time to prep the head to connect to the body.  This involves drilling two holes. 

Two holes.  No waiting.

First, drill a larger hole from the base of the neck straight up towards the top of the head.  You only need to drill up 3/4 of an inch or so.  Second, drill a smaller hole from the back of the head, towards the front.  Be careful NOT to drill through the front of your head.  Why, you ask?  Well... if you do, you'll have a big hole in the front of your head and that "just don't look right".

Step 5b:  String the head

I needed 3 hands for this picture.

Push a loop of elastic up through the larger hole at the base of the head. 

Again, needed 3 hands.  The elastic should be going into the larger hole.

Push a rod (I used a nail) through the small hole.  If you line up things correctly, the loop of elastic will now be hooked around the nail. 

(Don't forget the knot, cuz if the elastic comes out... you ain't getting it back in)

And just for good measure... cut the nail flush, putty up the hole and sand smooth.  That way, when it's painted up no one will see it.

I know, you can see it.  It's not painted yet.

Your head is now ready to attach... but DON'T. 

Step 6:  Have a Dr. Pepper

No... really.  Go drink a Dr. Pepper.  I'll wait.

At this point you should have a finished body and a head with elastic sticking out.  For some figures, you can go ahead and attach the head.  It's as simple as untying the knot in the elastic and fishing the two ends of the elastic down through the body.  I've left a small hole in the pelvis that the elastic can be threaded through and tied off (I forgot to photograph this step... oops).  However, for this particular character I've learned (the hard way), that it's better to attach the head AFTER he has his shirt on.  As you can imagine, it's always fun to realize 20 hours down the road that you can't get the shirt on with the head attached.

Okay... that's all for now.  Thanks for reading.  Next time I'll talk about painting and sewing.