Bed-y Bye Bye

...or, Off With Their Beds

Attention everyone:  don't take this the wrong way, but the bed in your guest room sucks.  It's too hard.  It's too high.  It points north.  It's smells like a swimming pool.  Whatever it is that I like in a bed, yours has the opposite qualities. 

I was reminded of this recently while staying with some friends.  They have a lovely house.  Much bigger and nicer than any I've ever owned... complete with the finest amenities designed for comfort and relaxation. 

Except the bed.

On the Mohs Scale, I'd estimate the mattress fell somewhere between quartz and topaz.  It's not quite as hard as diamond (that would be silly), but it sure kicks orthoclase feldspar's ass.

In order of hardness.

I woke with shooting pain in both hips roughly every 20 minutes.  That was okay until about 3am when my bladder decided to mutiny (note to self:  don't drink a full Big Gulp of Dr. Pepper right before going to bed).  As  I "army crawled" to the bathroom, I prayed that I would regain sensation in my lower extremities before the pee pee came or at least until I was picked off by a German sniper.

I can't feel nuthin' in my legs, Johnny.

Side note:  this is not the first bed that my wife and I have had to sleep in at this particular house.  It was a replacement for the previous bed which had a partially collapsed box spring on one side... my side.  For several years I slept on an angle that required an elaborate configuration of strapping and pillow placement to keep me from rolling onto the floor. 

So, I know what you're asking... what kind of bed do "you" have, Mr. Complainer?  Just so you know, my wife and I bought a Sleep Number bed about nine years ago.  She was pregnant with our second child, and she decided it was time to replace the rock hard bed she brought to our marriage (please note the number of times the pronoun "she" is used in that last statement).   We've loved it from day one.  We loved it so much, we made any one who came to visit lay on it (friends, family, a couple of really confused Jehovah's Witnesses), just to show them how awesome it was.  We made the bed harder.  We made it softer.  They "oooh'ed" and "ahhh'ed" about how they liked it. 

It feels great.  Can I get up now?

Since that time, I know all of these "test monkeys" have purchased new beds.  I also know for a fact that none of them bought a Sleep Number bed.   Hmmm.

Sorry, but I have to cut this blog short.  My in-laws are coming into town and I need to patch the small hole in the air mattress before they get here.