The Problem Solvers

One of the great things about having kids is that they offer constant reminders of how awesome life used to be, specifically how awesome your life used to be.  Before there were meetings, or mortgages, or "frequent nighttime urination", there was a time when the world was yours for the taking.  Random nudity was accepted.  Rudeness was applauded as truthfulness.  And all was forgiven... as long as you tried your hardest. 

 Worst... Medal... Ever!

Take tonight for instance.  Something happened that blew my mind and reminded me of how incredible it is to be a kid.  After supper, my ten year old went off to take a shower.  (As an aside:  This same child has recently added deodorant to his daily routine.  He will be a middle-schooler next year and the time... not to mention his armpits... were ripe for this move).   

Now before I get to the awesomeness of the story, I need to give you a little background.  This particular son is the smartest and sweetest person I've ever met.  Now I know what you're saying... all parents brag unnecessarily about their children.  I agree.  In fact, I'm sure Kimbo Slice's parents used to brag about how fast he could run until they saw him beat the living bejesus out of somebody.  But in this case, my boy is the smartest, sweetest soul I've ever met.  And I will fight anyone who disagrees (except you, Mr. Slice). 

I would so be this guy's bitch in prison.

So anyway, back to the shower...  He was in the bathroom for the normal amount of time.  We heard the water running as usual.  All was well as far as we were concerned.  Then the water stopped. 

As he came down the hallway wrapped in a towel, he had an interesting look on his face.  At first I couldn't identify it, but as he spoke I realized it was a look of pride.  He possessed the look of a conquering hero.  As he triumphantly approached the couch, he loudly announced that there was no soap in the shower.   

At this point, tiny gears in my head started to turn.  I began to guess at how he dealt with this problem.  But the mistake I made was in applying "old man" logic... not the "take no prisoners" logic of a ten year old boy.  He went on to inform us that there was shampoo in the shower, so he washed his hair as usual.  Ah, okay.  So naturally my 43 year old brain leapt to the conclusion... he must have used the shampoo as soap.  So I asked him, "did you use the shampoo for soap".  The look of pity he gave me was precious.  Then, without irony or shame, he proudly proclaimed that he used the deodorant on the rest of his body. 

True story, bro. 

The following is a transcript of the remaining conversation (with unspoken context added in italics): 

Dad:  You did what?! (confused)

Son:  I used the deodorant.  Sorry. (doubt begins to enter his mind)

Dad:  You're not in trouble.  I'm just trying to... (pause) You used the deodorant?

Son:  Yep (why did I even open my mouth?)

Dad:  That's cool buddy.  (realizing that I'm crushing his big moment)

Son:  There was no soap. (what was I supposed to do, asshole)

Dad:  Oh.  (pause) How did you use the deodorant? (trying to sound nonchalant)

Son:  I put it all over my body. (duh)

Dad:  When you were in the shower?

Son:  Yep. (gaining the upper hand)

Dad:  Then what.

Son:  I rinsed off. (pride regained)

Dad:  (long pause).  That's awesome buddy.  Give yourself a quarter. (cuz I'm not a total douche) 

So, thank you son for bringing me along on your journey.  You totally rocked my Tuesday night.  And if anyone asks you tomorrow why you smell like Speed Stick... look them square in the eye and say, my Dad made me do it.